Grief: deep or intense sorrow or distress, especially at the death of someone

 

Dealing with grief as a result of losing someone is something most people have to experience sometime in their lives. Feelings of sorrow are natural. They result from losing someone meaningful in our lives through death, the loss a pet, a job, or a home. Grieving, or feeling loss, may happen after a divorce, a move, or loved ones moving away. Each of us copes with loss and grief in our own personal way, but there are healthy ways and unhealthy ways of coping.

 

If you try to ignore your pain or make all sorts of efforts to keep it from bubbling up, you will make it worse in the long run. In order to genuinely heal from any type of grief or loss, you have to face it head on and deal with it. Pain never goes away if you actively ignore it.

Having feelings of sadness, fear, overwhelm, or loneliness is a normal reaction to loss. Crying is a “normal” expression of these feelings. Crying is healthy. It is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of genuine feelings. It is always better to cry than to try to put on a “happy face”. You are not helping your grieving process or helping anyone else by being “brave”.

Although crying is a natural response to grief, some people don’t cry in the face of loss. That doesn’t mean they don’t feel the pain. There is no one specific way to grieve. People express pain in different ways.  There is also no specific time frame for grief to be expressed.

Healthy coping mechanisms help with the grieving process, while unhealthy ones impair the process. For those of you who have experienced loss and used your eating disorder to cope, this post may be helpful for you.

There are several things that are necessary to cope with grief. They are: (1) acceptance and expression of grief, (2) time, (3) self care, and (4) support. Through these key components, you will be able to mourn your loss and heal from it.

Expression of grief has been outlined in the “stages of grief”: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. Remember, there is no time frame for these stages but it is important to fully experience them.

• Denial, numbness, and shock: This stage serves to protect the individual from experiencing the intensity of the loss. It may be useful when the grieving person must take action (for example, making funeral arrangements). Numbness is a normal reaction to an immediate loss and should not be confused with “lack of caring.” As the individual slowly acknowledges the impact of the loss, denial and disbelief will diminish.
•  Anger: This reaction usually occurs when an individual feels helpless and powerless. Anger can stem from a feeling of abandonment through a loved one’s death. An individual may be angry at a higher power or toward life in general.
•  Bargaining: This stage may involve persistent thoughts about what could have been done to prevent the loss. People can become preoccupied about ways that things could have been better. If this stage is not properly resolved, intense feelings of remorse or guilt may interfere with the healing process.
•  Depression: This stage of grief occurs in some people after they realize the true extent of the loss. Signs of depression may include sleep and appetite disturbances, a lack of energy and concentration, and crying spells. A person may feel loneliness, emptiness, isolation, and self-pity.
• Acceptance: In time, an individual may be able to come to terms with various feelings and accept the fact that the loss has occurred. Healing can begin once the loss becomes integrated into the individual’s set of life experiences. (reprinted from WebMD)

During a time of loss, you may be triggered to use eating disordered behaviors to “feel better”. Although using eating disordered behaviors may cause you to feel numb or distracted, it will inevitably cause more pain and suffering. There are several good ways to express your grief, instead of using eating disordered behaviors. It is also very important for you to take good care of yourself during a time of loss. Although using eating disordered behaviors may initially feel like a way to take care of yourself, it actually causes you to become more depleted physically and emotionally.

Accept and face your feelings head on. You can try to suppress your painful emotions using eating disordered behaviors, but you can’t avoid them forever. In order to heal from your loss, you have to acknowledge and accept the pain. This may sound like an awful plan to you, but avoiding your feelings of sadness and loss prolongs the grieving process. If your grief is left unresolved, it may lead to depression, anxiety, and the use of other “substances” or maladaptive coping mechanisms. How do you face your feelings? The following are a few suggestions: Express your feelings in a concrete or artistic way. Write about your feelings in a journal or on your computer.  If you’ve lost someone you love, write a letter to them saying the things you wanted them to know. Make a scrapbook or photo album of the person and the memories you have shared.

Take good care of yourself physically. Try to get enough sleep. Follow the nutrition guidelines designed by your nutritionist to the best of your ability. Although movement can help you feel better, only do it if it is safe for you to do so. Check with your treatment team for appropriate movement guidelines.

Take care of yourself spiritually. If you are a member of a church, you may find that your religious leader or members of the congregation can provide you comfort. If you have a different type of spiritual leader or healer, perhaps you could reach out for him/her.

Reach out for support in other ways – from your treatment team, friends, family, and other loved ones. Perhaps a support group might help as well. Although you may need some time alone, you don’t want to completely isolate yourself and use eating disordered behaviors in place of real suppor

There may be times when others don’t know how to help, or what to say. There often doesn’t even seem like any words can help during a time of loss. People may say things that don’t help, or seem insensitive because they are uncomfortable with their own feelings or don’t have the ability to express empathy effectively.  Try not to shut down if you have received bad advice or insensitive comments. Reach out to others who you trust. Let yourself feel whatever feelings come up without worrying about what others may say. You may also notice that your feelings change and evolve. You may feel moments of extreme sadness or anger, followed by moments of happiness. This is normal.

There may be times of more intense grief – like holidays, times of year, anniversaries, and places, etc. It’s normal to feel more powerful feelings when you are triggered by certain events. If you can prepare for these events in advance by discussing them with a loved one or trusted professional, you may get through them without being vulnerable  to using eating disordered behaviors, or avoiding the event altogether.

Below are a few quotes I found to be helpful during times of grief and sorrow:

“There is sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.” – Washington Irving

“To spare oneself from grief at all cost can be achieved only at the price of total detachment, which excludes the ability to experience happiness. “ – Erich Fromm

“Grief is not a disorder, a disease or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical and spiritual necessity, the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve.” – Earl Grollman

“What we have once enjoyed deeply we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us.” – Helen Keller

“You give yourself permission to grieve by recognizing the need for grieving. Grieving is the natural way of working through the loss of a love. Grieving is not weakness or absence of faith. Grieving is as natural as crying when you are hurt, sleeping when you are tired or sneezing when your nose itches. It is nature’s way of healing a broken heart.” – Doug Manning

“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.”  -Henri Nouwen

 

We Remember Them…

In the rising of the sun and in its going down,

We remember them;

In the blowing of the wind and in the chill of winter,

We remember them;

In the opening of buds and in the warmth of summer,

We remember them;

In the rustling of leaves and the beauty of autumn,

We remember them;

In the beginning of the year and when it ends,

We remember them;

When we are weary and in need of strength,

We remember them;

When we are lost and sick at heart,

We remember them;

When we have joys we yearn to share,

We remember them;

So long as we live, they too shall live

For they are now a part of us as

We remember them.

-from Gates of Prayer,

Judaism Prayerbook

 

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